How to Ride a Chairlift with a Stranger
There’s always two main goals you should have anytime you get on the chairlift with a person/people you don’t know: A) Make them feel incredibly awkward, or B) Make yourself seem like something (hopefully cooler) that you’re not. This is merely a list of options, feel free to stick to the basics, or make mind-bottling hybrids of your own.
- Lie: This is the go to move whenever you get on the chairlift with someone who looks like they know less about skiing than you. Lie about anything, lie about everything. Tell them that you’re the heir to the outright ownership of Salomon Skis, tell them that you ski professionally, tell them that you hold the world record for longest distance skied backwards, it doesn’t really matter. As long you act confident in what you’re saying, there’s a 95% chance that they’ll believe you. Note: if they look like they actually know something about skiing, you need to craft your lie so that it is at least a shred believable.
- Check their season pass: If you manage to sneak a peak at their season pass and get their name, do your best to pretend you recognize the name and you are actually somehow related. Bonus points if you can find a mutual acquaintance.
- Sit right next to them: This is especially entertaining when there is only two of you on a four (or more) seat lift. Sit uncomfortably close to them and don’t say a word. Possibly even let your hands fall to the side and touch their leg. The key to this is to have headphones in that are playing ridiculously loud music, so that when they plea for you to scoot over, unfortunately you can’t hear a word that they’re saying.
- Breath really loud: This move isn’t quite as popular, but is sure to produce some sort of reaction. From the second you take your seat to the instant you’re freed from the confines of the lift, breathe really, really loud. If you’re feeling extra crazy, give your breathing patterns a sexual connotation, for added discomfort. This move is especially fun whilst sitting uncomfortably close to your new lift buddy.
- Scratch your inner thigh: You heard me, get your glove off, reach inside your snowpants, and vigorously scratch your inner thigh. Who cares if it looks like something it’s not, you just have an itch, right?
- Repeatedly move the safety bar: This is sure to annoy anyone who has a pulse. Put the bar down to rest your feet, act like you get a leg cramp so you have to put it up to stretch your leg, then lower it again to rest your feet. Repeat. Another clutch move is to reach for your boot buckles, and claim you can’t reach them with the bar down, thus your need to lift it, unbuckle, and replace it. The good thing about the boot move is that you can do it twice a trip, for unbuckling then rebuckling. But be sure to space out your movements a good 30-45 seconds, just to make sure that the people on the lift are just getting comfortable.
- Talk on your phone: Whenever someone is on their phone, you eavesdrop, it’s human nature. So take advantage of this and have an extremely awkward conversation. Some of my favorite lines include (but are not limited to): “Wait so it itches? I think that you should get tested and get some cream for that.” “Yeah dude, she was so down. I have all the photos on my phone. I got some video too, I’ll show you later.” Or, “Man I can’t believe that fool. I’ve done time for less, he better watch his back.”
- And at all costs, no matter what you do, make sure you don't expose your "pole"